Daria the Invincible
by nyanyanya22
Summary: Daria-1134 seemed relatively normal by Daria standards. Until the car crash.
1. God Mode

**NOT PART OF MY MAIN SERIES. THIS IS A ONE SHOT I WILL RELEASE IN THREE PIECES. THIS IS TO TIDE YOU GUYS OVER UNTIL THE 3RD EPISODE OF JANE CHRONICLES IS READY, SO I HOPE THIS COMEDIC TALE WIL HOLD YALL OVER. ANYWAY, LETS GET TO THIS MADNESS!**  
**-**  
_**Daria the Invincible(AKA 'God Mode Daria')**_  
**-**  
Dear Diary, I used to be Daria Morgendorffer, from Lawndale Pennsylvania. I am a 18 year old girl, and I thought that was all.  
Up until about a few months ago, I thought I was just a normal girl. Cynical, Sarcastic,...well, perhaps not normal, but nothing special.

That was...until the car crash.

I was on my way to see my...boyfriend? Ok, he WAS my boyfriend. Not after he...well, I'm getting off track. Long Story short, there was a horrific car accident. A bunch of drunk hicks barrelled right into my vehicle. Based on what the police told me ,I was one of many hits in their drunken frenzy, 4 deer, 2 elk, some small mammals and 4 Texas gates all got destroyed. Damn hillbillies.

The car was totaled. Literally in 6 pieces, their giant 4 wheeler was going, what, 120 mph? I didn't stand a chance.

Or...I shouldn't have.

When the ambulance arrived, they found the burning remains of the vehicle in pieces, odds and ends scattered everywhere, fire raging out of control. Not what they hoped, but what they expected

What they didn't expect was me, wiping the dust off, trying to comprehend what in the motherfucking hell fuck just fucking happened.

Hmph, when I tried to explain I was a victim in the accident, they were convinced I was a bystander in shock.  
Imagine their fucking surprise when I confirmed my identity. Priceless.

Nobody was quite sure what happened, the lack of witnesses other then a bunch of cracked up hicks left the situation vague from the perspective of law. Still, It was the biggest mystery since the dyatlov pass.  
As in, It was hardly a mystery to start, just a bit complicated.

I...actually I was decently emotionally stable...I've always been stable..heh, never knew how resilient I was.

So...I decided to start...testing things. See how far this beast went...turns out, pretty fucking far.

Stabbing wounds? Ha, nothing to worry about.  
Gunshots? Oh boy, you should have seen the look on Todd's face.  
High Bridges? Psst, nothing, but a oversized diving board.  
Electrocution? Well, actually a shock, It's not electrocution if you live. Still fine though. A bit of electroshock builds character.

I even tried some more 'exotic' methods.  
Starvation? Pssssh, food is for the mortal. Well, except Pizza. Take my Pizza and meet with a terrible fate. Drugs were a fun time, I recommend methicokeiumalizedalcotineextractlsdia to anyone who wants to die the fun way. Then I tried poisoning myself, first just a few lead flakes, then some rat poison, then I'm straight up chuggin from the anti-freeze bottle. And I'm still kicking just fine.  
Lead is a very good sweetener though. I find it quite tasty. Ethylene Glycol too. I use it when I can, freaks out the relatives. Don't tell Jane the real reason I borrow her old paints though.

Speaking of which, around this time they called in the psychiatrists, the shrinks, the hypnotists, the deprogrammers, the reprogrammers, the doctors, the frauds, the drunk college students, maybe a few pedos, really the whole shebang.  
School thought I was suicidal, and just reeeeaaally bad at killing myself.  
The pysch toughs wouldn't let me demonstrate my antifreeze chugging skills, so I played along with their games.  
Those government guys really layed on it thick when the advanced hypnosis failed miserably.  
A few hours of borderline torture later, I held firm.  
I think my unique skill applies to more then just my body.

But regardless, I got them off my back when I told them where Ms Li hid her money.  
The legal battle over that should keep those bozos off my back for a time.  
So, whats an invincible girl to do?

Simple. Find a way to profit. That Montana cabin fund wouldn't fund itself(though I have considered using a underwater base as of recently...but I might not get internet...tough choice)  
And I think I may just have an idea.

"Now, time to get to work."

**TO BE CONTINUED**  
**-**  
**Once again, not related to my other series. Seriously.**

**Don't expect this to be serious, this one was the most serious. The other two parts will be a helluva lot sillier.**  
**BTW, If you have any ideas for Daria fanfic characters who might want a shot at taking out this Daria, tell me.**  
**Hell, even canon characters.**


	2. Brodster and Smiley

Part 2:

"So, run this one past me one more time amiga?"

When Daria had called Jane on the phone, telling her she was indestructible and was gonna profit off it, Jane wasn't quite sure what to think. She has suspected something cynical and philosophically pizza related.

What she hadn't expected, was Daria, standing on the street, standing at a makeshift stand. And what she REALLY didn't expect was the content of the sign.

PUNCH ME FOR 50$, SHOOT FOR 500$, STAB FOR 1000$, EXPLOSIVES FOR 5000$! NO MONEY BACK!

"I discovered I was invincible after surviving that horrific car crash last weekend. I have decided the best course of action was to profit. Cabins in Montana ain't cheap Jane."

Jane's face seemed to fill with confusion and concern, and the very act of Jane expressing those is both confusing and concerning indeed.

"Uh, you sure you didn't knock a few screws loose back there amiga...cause your kinda starting to scare me."

"I'm fairly positive Jane. Didn't you wonder what I was using your old lead paints for?"

Jane's face went cold.

"Please don't tell me you-"

"Those roman emperors clearly knew what tasted good."

If Jane's face as cold before, she was subzero.

"Alright, I'm officially freaked out, taking you to the hospital right now Daria, I-" But before Jane could grab her, Daria pulled out a gun from who knows where, and put it to her head.

Janes face was absolute zero. "DARIA NO!"

BANG.

Jane stood, eyes closed tight, shaking, too scared to open her eyes. After a few seconds, she peaked her eyes open. Nothing. Whaaaaa...

"Guess who?"

"EEP!" Jane jumped back as someone grabbed her shoulders. She turned around, seeing Daria, standing there with her Mona Lisa smile.

There was a small sooty smudge on her face where the bullet hit, which she promptly wiped off. Daria then leaned down, and picked up the partially crushed bullet, and handed it to Jane. It was warm.

"Sorry Jane, but I fail to see a simpler way to convince you."

"Whuh...bu...good one amiga, you got me, haha, so very funny, I almost crapped myself, so, how about we don't do that again. Daria? DARIA?!"

Daria has already left, a quick look revealed she had run into traffic and jumped into traffic, getting hit by a large lorry. Jane winced.

"I'm okay."

Janes jaw hit the floor, then fell through to china, then came back. She slowly walked, her legs seemingly frozen. The lorry driver had a mix of terror, angry, and confusion, then fear as he drove off.

"I managed to extort 500 out of him in return for not telling his insurance company he hit a girl. Money in the bank."

Jane took a second to think.

"So...you really are invincible amiga...always knew you were tough, but...wow."

"Yes, I know, very impressive. The shock wears off after you've jumped off the grand bridge twice."

"Wait WHAT?!"

Daria smirked "I'll tell you over pizza tonight." Jane smirked as well,and for a moment everything seemed Jane had a thought.

"Aren't you a little worried the government might drag you off to Area 51, or Hanger 18, or that one foundation place Sick Sad World mentioned?"

"Nah, after I ratted out Ms Li every paper pusher within 50 miles is trying to get whatever cut of untraceable cash they can before the IRS busts the whole institution open like a hot knife through someones back."

"Hmph, figures they'd be more interested in cash then the second coming of Christ."

"What?" Jane smirked. "Just a little theory of mine, amiga." Daria replied with a mona lisa smile, and the two immediately understood eachother. They sat back and waited for the cash to role in.

3 HOURS LATER

"Hmmph, seems like Lawndale's less blood thirsty then I expected. If I was still in highland I'd be richer then Mom's boss."

"Hey, look on the bright side, atleast those drunk college students with the baseball bat put on a fun show. Those idiots stumbled so much I was starting to feel dizzy."

"Yeah, but 300$ is hardly enough for a cabin. Maybe we need to rethink our approach." Jane looked at Daria with a wide smirk on her face. Daria turned to her with a deadpan response "No Jane, I'm not getting naked." Jane snapped her fingers in frustration and slouched back.

"Well, maybe we can-" But Jane was cut off by a bright flash in the sky, as a portal opened up in the sky, followed by a bright red sports car flying out, landing right next to them, blaring that one annoying car alarm.

"Holy shit what the fuck have we done amiga?"

Out of it stepped two guys. One was tall, skinny, had a green beard, a top hat, a purple coat, and a shotgun. The other was short, bright white, wearing a stalin hat, red star shirt, and camo pants. He has a UZI. Both weapons appeared to be glowing. The two men were bickering.

"I told you we needed more vodka and nachos Brodster, but you were like 'Oh, but we just robbed that Drug lord guy of his cash' and I was like 'We need that cash for gas' and you were like-"

"HEY, Slam Lord BBBB was our best target to get quick cash, what do you want me to do, rob the first national bank of ringbearers? That kinda shit takes planning, We needed quick cash in the spongebob ficverse and that guy was the best target. Plus I snagged his lucky video game, what do ya think of that fax?

* * *

SOMEWHERE IN THE SPONGEVERSE  
"Mr Slam Lord, they took our crack, our cash, your lucky comet."  
"Shit, you sure it wasn't those wasteland warriors?"  
"No, they had fancy portal tech...and they stole your copy of UnderPants Slam!"  
"...I'LL KILL THEM!"

* * *

"You blew it all on making his car interdimensional, WHEN WE ALREADY HAVE PORTAL GUNS, BOTH TYPES!" Smiley yelled as Brodster screamed back  
"WELL WHAT IF WE LOST THE PORTAL GUNS, WHAT IF I WANT TO BRING STUFF WITH US? PLUS THATS NOT WERE ALL THE MONEY WENT, THOSE STRIPPERS YOU HIRED WEREN'T CHEAP EITHER!"

"TAKE THAT BACK, TANYA DID NOTHING WRONG!"

"AND ANOTHER THING, YOU ALWAYS LEAVE KETCHUP PACKETS IN THE CUPHOLDERS, THAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS!"

"WELL I DON'T LIKE YOU LEAVING YOUR STRAWS EVERYWHERE!"

"WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT MY HQ IN D-1132, THATS MY DOMAIN, ALL THOSE JANEBOB SHENANIGANS?"

"WELL MAYBE IF WE HAD CASH WE WOULD'T BE IN THIS SITUATION BRODSTER!"

"WHY I OUTTTA-"

Daria and Jane finally stepped in. "Umm, sorry, quick question, who the hell are you two blokes and what the hell is going on?"

"SHOVE YOUR FACE IN A-oh, Hi, Brodster and Smiley, we fake it til we break it. Normally I'd have jokes and pokes and folks and yolks ready for greetings, but we're short on cash right now and YEAH I KNOW I DRANK THE LAST VODKA FAX, trying to get out of here, theres a bag of dog shit with the ringbearers name on it, and some clones with my name on them, and...wait, what exactly are you two doing?"

He had finally noticed the stand. Smiley quickly took interest in it as well.

"I just discovered I am apparently indestructible. So I am following the American way and making a profit."

Smiley and Brodster look at each, and then look back.

"Smiley, did the report we sto-borrowed from the ringbearers say anything about an indestructible Daria in 1134?"

"No, this is the universe where Andrea is a serial killer and Jane has the hots for her, and dosen't know shes a serial killer."

"Wait WHAT? SENPAI IS A SERIAL KILLER?" Jane shouted before realizing what she said.

"Do you know what this means Smiley?"

"We can't trust this Andrea?"

"Well...yes, but, we found the indestructible Daria first, WE FOUND THE INDESTRUCTIBLE DARIA FIRST! YEEEEHHHHAAAW"

"...We didn't even confirm she was correct."

"Oh, right. Here's 500 bucks."

"THATS THE LAST OF OUR CASH!"

"Shut it." And Brodster fired a whole clip out of his UZI into her chest, not even phasing her.

"Daria, how would you like to make a deal. You give us half your profits, and we'll make sure you get a bunch of rich maniacs on your doorstep."

Daria thought for a moment, and said..."Eh, sure, why not?"

Brodster got a wide smirk "Excellent." flipped a switch on his uzi, causing it to glow, then fired it into the sky, opening a portal.

Daria looked at the portal in interest. "This should be interesting."

* * *

Part 1 and 2 were all set up for part 3. Im looking forward to it


End file.
